I am a writer. Words flow easier, I feel I can express what I am really feeling, it comes naturally to me and I can reread my thoughts and rewrite and edit and all that good stuff. With that said, please forgive me for writing such a personal post on this blog. I am in mourning, I am using this to help me mourn and I hope you will appreciate my need to do so.
I gave birth to a sweet perfect little girl at 2:59am Saturday morning. At 7 lbs and 1 oz, 21 inches long, my angel Maria was absolutely perfect. So perfect that our loving and understanding Father in heaven decided that she needed to stay with Him. After 40 weeks of being pregnant, I went in for a check up and they could not find a heart beat. My precious baby girl was gone.
During this pregnancy nothing showed up to be concerned about. All my vitals were great, baby’s vitals were great, there was nothing that came up to cause concern. Even at my 39 week check up, baby’s heart beat was great, her size was great, she was head down, everything seemed ok. So to hear, “baby is gone” at 40 weeks and 1 day and not know why or how or what or anything, is just about the worst thing any mother could hear.
Yet The Lord had prepared us along the way. We knew something was different about her. The doctors, vital signs, everything logical and practical said baby would be perfect. And she was/is. But I guess she was SO perfect that she was needed more on the other side. There had been miracles, promptings, dreams, feelings that prepared us for this news. It prepared us in a way that we knew without a doubt, that this was the Lords will.
Does it make it any easier? No.
Does it make sense? No.
Are we happy and enduring and completely fine? No, no and no.
But we are faithful.
We are hopeful.
We are enduring as well as we know how and leaning on The Lord to help us make up the difference.
It’s not easy being home and realizing there is no baby that you have been preparing for.
It’s not easy having to explain multiple times to your daughter that baby isn’t coming home.
It’s not easy watching your sweet husband mourn the loss of his beloved child. (If you know josh you know he would walk to the ends of the earth for our babies! She is no exception.)
It’s not easy trying to be strong yet being open with your kids. Having to tell them it’s ok to be sad but to also remember to rejoice in our Savior.
As I sit here and write, eyes swollen, heart heavy and physically not completely well, my heart is full from the love, support and acts of kindness we have received. The hospital had many gifts for us from previous mothers who had been in similar situations. The Lord sent us sweet angels whom we had just met a week before (Malo Tucanos) to guide us in mourning our loss. We began to see the tender mercies of a loving Father in heaven as we thought about how things had played out. He really does have a plan for each of us and if we are faithful and endure well, He will grant us peace, strength, understanding and love that we could never imagine possible.
Loosing my baby at full term made me angry. Why did I have to wait this whole pregnancy just to have her gone??!
I felt guilty. Was it MY fault? Did I do something to harm her??
I feel empty and lost. Why am I even home? What am I supposed to do now? How could I leave my baby??
I feel sorrow and grief. I miss her…
She fit perfectly in my arms. She is my baby.
I’m not as strong as I may seem. I am quick to do iniquity and slow to remember my God, yet at this time, who else could I turn to?? Those who have similar situations can only help me cope and to try comfort me. They are going thru the same thing and are trying to find that peace and serenity that we all long for. It is Our loving brother and Savior, Jesus Christ, who has, is and will continue to carry us through each of our burdens and trials that we face.
I believe there is a master plan in heaven. The plan of salvation, so perfect, so detailed, so thought out, that each of us as individuals have a part of that plan. We all have our different versions, facing our seperate trials that will strengthen, uplift, teach and guide us to become the people that Heavenly Father knows we can be.
My sweet little Maria has had a short time here. But I know she has touched many lives, mine being the one she has touched the most. I carried her and she has carried me. She will be my ROC, my constant reminder, my North Star, my angel that will remind me of what I need to do and who I need to turn to, to see her again.
I’m still filled with grief and sorrow, I’m still mourning, I still miss her dearly and I still wish there was something I could have done differently. But I am also trying to make this a learning to experience, to use this time to strengthen my faith and to remember the hope and love our Savior can bring to us if we allow Him.
Thank you all for your kind words, you thoughts and prayers, your sweet acts of kindness and for your love. We feel so loved and so supported that we know without a doubt that The Lord lives and loves us. Thank you for comforting us in our time of need, mourning with us and sharing our burden. It has only been two days since she was born and we have felt the love from all of our friends and family members from all over the world. From Afghanistan, Bali, Japan, El Salvador, New Zealand, Tonga, Qatar and more. This sweet little angel has reminded us of how loved we are and we are forever grateful.
My sweet Maria,
My angel, my baby, my little girl. I miss you. I wish you were here. I love you and I pray Heavenly Father will allow you to be near to me. I can’t wait until the day I can see you again. I will be on my best behavior and will remember what I need to do to be with you again. I love you.
All my love,