I’m a bit lost, I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I constantly wake up a night, my body still searching for the new born I wish I could hold and nurse at night. I’m so filled with milk my chest looks like it’s about to explode. I still feel the cramps and contractions getting my uterus to its normal size (if only it’d do that with the rest of my “baby fat”). I have been so busy the last couple days I haven’t had time to think. Which has been good. Thinking is where it hurts most. But I hope in writing what I think, I’ll have some closure and stop regretting so many things. Yet I am writing the things I do regret.
If you know me, you know I complain about EVERYTHING. I’m agitated most of the time, and my face shows it. I can be rude, I don’t really think about what I’m saying before I say it and I’m just a brat. With that said, I have complained so much during this last pregnancy over NOTHING. I get no morning sickness, I have tons of energy, I eat like a whale (and then some), I’m out and about like I’m not pregnant and I basically feel like I have this huge basketball in my belly. But I complained about every little thing….
And I regret it.
I wish I had cherished every moment with Maria alive inside me.
I wish I had talked to her more.
I wish I had sung to her.
I wish I had allowed my kids to kiss her goodnight more often.
I wish I had let them talk to her and hold her every night.
I wish I had taken more maternity pictures, it’s a miracle I even took any!
I wish I had felt each kick, each push, each time she moved and enjoyed it, instead of complaining and telling her to sit still.
I wish I had taken a 3D ultrasound like my husband had asked.
I wish I had just sat there with her and enjoyed her presence instead of being absorbed in how fat I was (still am).
I wish I had paid more attention to how I felt with her. I was such a girl wanting to dress up, go shopping (and everyone who knows me knows I HATE shopping unless it’s for food), do my girls hair (I don’t even like doing my own) and watching chick flicks.
I wish I had let myself cry. I have never been so emotional in my life over nothing. But I wish I had just allowed myself to just let it out with her.
I wish I had appreciated her more and told her how much I loved her while she could hear me.
I regret just complaining and thinking only of myself.
I regret not giving her the love and attention I could have given her.
I regret so much…
Yet I have hope.
Hope that when I see her again I can apologize.
Hope that when we reunite I can do everything I have regretted not doing.
I know she sees me and hears me now.
I know she watches me with her siblings and I think of her when I’m with them.
She is my constant reminder to love more fully, to forgive more often and more easily, to be more compassionate and sympathetic, to not get offended so easily, to love more fully and to appreciate it ALL. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the pleasure, the pain, the joy, the sorrow, everything in life as it is.
Tell those you love that you love them NOW.
Treat others kindly and know they too struggle in their own way.
Forgive often and forgive easily, forgiveness is for you not them. Allow yourself that gift of freedom.
Enjoy life as it is, and learn to find joy in ALL THINGS.
My sweet baby may be gone physically, but I feel her presence often. I think of our times together and am grateful we had time at all. I may not be able to hold her anymore but I will cherish her in my heart til the day I can. I have not lost a child, I have gained an angel. I may miss her, I may grieve a long time and I may regret many things… But I will remember the lessons I’ve learned from her and the strength I’ve gained through this trial.
I will keep my Savior close for I know she is with Him. And to see her again, I need Him. Because of Him, I have hope. And I need not regret. Only remember.
Maria, Maria, Maria, I can’t believe I hated that name when my kids decided (on their own after watching West Side Story) that was her name. Now I will forever cherish the sweet sound of Maria. I will remember and I will try not to regret.