Home » Baby Maria » Day 4 / emotional roller coaster

Day 4 / emotional roller coaster

Yesterday was day 4 of my 100 days of running and the first day of my actual flush.

I felt like crap the whole day. I did ok with clean eating (minus my IHOP trip the night before) but I just wanted a burger. I seriously was tired of fruits and veggies and apple juice. I wanted a number 1 from mcdonalds, LARGE with Dr Pepper. I needed to eat a big breakfast because I would start my fast at 2pm. I went to school so instead I just ate my whole first class. I failed my Spanish test miserably and ended up eating the whole time. I still wasn’t full because it wasn’t what I wanted to eat.

Yoga felt great. I felt like I could move more. I felt more strength in doing the moves and it was just really nice to feel flexible. At least somewhat flexible and not like a board. On my way home I began my fast and as soon as I get home here’s soup and bread for me on my doorstep from a neighbor. 😞 I seriously love my neighbors, but this seriously had me rethinking my whole endeavor. Instead I decided to use it as my first meal after the fast. A simple soup lunch.

I was busy the rest of the evening and I had Naa make dinner because I knew I’d eat something if I did. I nearly did so many times… But I held strong!

I ran before dinner and man did it feel great!! I have been taking it real easy these last couple days but today I pushed myself to really run. It was awesome! My time wasn’t much better but I felt great. I was SUPER slow and probably looked like an idiot running barely faster than I walk. I realized my original shoes were hindering me. I’d get blisters and would be so sore after all over my feet and knees. I wore my vibrams and man did the difference feel like night and day! I had been running wrong and shifted my weight over to the front of my body and let my feet fall but not pound into the ground and the pain and soreness went away! Took me like 10 min to figure that out but man it felt good.

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I noticed as I ran that it was easier just to see a few steps I ahead of me instead of looking straight and thinking of how far I still had to go. I counted just the two steps I needed to take to get further and that seemed to push me more. Knowing “One Step At A Time” was how I needed to take it. (That was my jam this run, thank you Enrique and akon!)

I took my first Epsom salt at 8pm. Wasn’t as bad as I thought. Then another one at 10pm right before josh and I hit the gym. I did some weights because my lower body strength is 10x my upper body strength and I really want to change that.

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After the gym and after my kids were in bed I took my grapefruit juice and oil at midnight. Talk about the most disgusting drink ever.. Ugh. I nearly gagged it back up but it stayed down.

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Before my kids slept baby Na’a hugged me and said “I love you mom” then turned to lay on my stomach and said “I love you tummy mom”. I looked at her and said “oh Naa there’s no baby in there, she came out already”. She looked at me confused and said “aww baby crying”. I wanted to start bawling thinking about the new born cry I love so much and wished I was able to hear. I wanted to cry thinking of if my baby Maria did cry in my womb before she died. What if I hurt her and caused her pain and suffering before she died… Did I make her weep?? I know I won’t know til I see her again and I know it doesn’t matter cuz there’s nothing I can do or could have done I wish there was. I cried in my run because I missed her. I cried watching the NILMDTS video remembering how good it felt to hold her. She fit perfectly in my arms. I could have literally held her all day… I will never forget it. If I do, I have pictures to remind me.

With the fast I knew emotions would come up. I was angry, annoyed, happy, sad, depressed and hopeful all at the same time.

I spoke with my mom too yesterday and she said “I was looking at your pictures and you look different. You look like you lost something.” My husband said this morning I look different as well, but I’m not sure in what way. I totally wear my emotions on my sleeve, even if I’m trying to hide them people always know. I miss my baby Maria. Even though I know she’s with me all the time, she’s a funny, bright and happy girl, but I still wish I had her here with me. I’m broken with a piece of my soul taken with her. That’s ok. I know it. The world can tell. And I’m ok with that.

I run to make a change in my life. I’ve always wanted to be a runner. Now I know I need to start now or I never will be.

I’m doing this flush to get rid of the crap I know I’ve had for years but have never gotten myself to do it. I know I’ll need do it if I don’t do it today.

I blog to keep me sane. I blog to share my experiences and thoughts about life. I blog to remember and rewrite what’s in my head. I blog to get it out.

I’m making a change because I miss my little girl. I wouldn’t have changed if she were still here. I would have gone through the motions of having a baby and done what I’ve always done. With Maria gone I feel different, incomplete, as if something’s not right. I’m making changes to “make things right” or at least make them bearable. Things aren’t the same without her. I’m not the same. And that’s why I needed to make this change.

For my Maria.

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