Yesterday I had my 6 week postpartum check up. It has been 7 weeks since she came and went. I had convinced myself that things would be easier and that I’d be “okay”.
Well I’m not.
I’m actually just starting to feel again.
I allowed myself the sadness and pain then slowly I numbed myself to where I can actually talk about her with a straight face and not feel.
This week I realized that I sound like a robot. I look like a heartless woman when I talk about her because instead of concentrating on how I feel, I try to make things less awkward to whomever I talking to.
Thursday I allowed myself to feel as I spoke with someone and although I felt a deep sorrow and longing for my baby, I felt their sincerity and deepest sympathy for my loss.
Yesterday as I was at Central Utah Clinic’s Women’s Center (which I absolutely love), I allowed myself the emotions I usually try to hide. I felt sadness because I was alone and had no baby to show off. I felt anger, because I had gone through the whole 40 weeks and she was gone and there was nothing I could have done about it. I felt anxious, because I saw the little heart beat finder thingy and my heart stopped for a minute. This was where I found out she was gone. One week before finding a heart beat was so easy and the next week it’s gone….
I was so grateful that they gave me an appointment with the midwife that had been through the same thing. She had two boys, one a still born and the other died a week later. Being able to talk to her and listen to how she dealt with her struggles was so comforting. I know that all the midwives cared for and felt for me, but she had been there. She knew where I was and what I felt and she let me know it was ok. She was extremely sincere and empathetic towards me and I don’t think it could have gone any better.
Yes I was sad.
Yes it was scary.
Yes I missed my baby.
Yes I dreaded going and didn’t want to be there.
But it’s ok to do hard things.
It’s ok to be somewhere that reminds you of something difficult.
It’s ok to see things or people that remind you of difficult things.
A month before baby was born I was stressing out because of things that reminded me of past issues. I thought I was ok, I thought I was fine, and then something’s came up and reminded me and I was in “that place” where I try so hard not to go. I felt hurt, insecure, sad, depressed, stressed out and just not in a good place. After I had baby Maria those issues seemed irrelevant, small and extremely insignificant. I felt ok and was full of love and comfort. Weeks later I found myself struggling with the same issues.
I’m not perfect, neither do I have a perfect understanding. I don’t know how baby died or why she died or why anything bad happens to anyone. But as a wise blue butt baboon said:
Ahh, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I look at it, you can either run from it or learn from it.
So what are you going to do now??
I could have just not gone to my appointment (which I was so tempted to do). I could just hide from the world in my sorrow or become so busy I don’t feel anything. Which I kind of did. Or I could bury my feelings deep inside and hope they never come out. In which they always do in a very unpleasant way.
I chose to go.
I chose to feel.
I choose to not hide from the world but embrace it and welcome it.
I choose to express my emotions through crying, writing, dancing, singing, playing with my kids, arguing with my husband, reaching out to old friends, teaching my primary kids, going to the temple, being open and allow all that God has in store for me into my life. Blessings, trials, joy, sorrow, the good, the bad, all that He deems good for my potential, my eternal happiness, my life, my learning experience, my perfect self, whatever will teach me to become the best me possible, be it blessing or trial (or both since they can be one in the same depending on your perspective), I choose to LEARN FROM IT.
At 7 weeks I can tell you I’m ok but not ok. It may seem like I haven’t progressed but I guess it depends on your perspective. I’m still sad, I still cry, I’ll never get over it.. But I accept it, I value this trial and I look forward to the day I can see her again.
7 weeks has been quick but has also felt like an eternity. 7 weeks down, eternity to go, I think I’ve got the right perspective.
So what are you going to do? Run from it? Or learn from it? The choice is yours alone.