I remember being in the dark.
Feeling hopeless, helpless, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, insignificant and filled with anger and resentment.
I was furious at the hand I was dealt. Life was simply UNFAIR.
I was more furious at the fact that I had kept it. What in the world was I thinking????
And I was most furious at the thought that there was nothing I could do about it. I was stuck. Stuck in my misery and joy-less life.
I probably could have done something drastic but the outcomes were too risky.
I was NOT going to loose it all. I had already been close enough, I was not going near the edge again!
But it was too much and I prayed and begged and prayed and begged that my life would be taken.
I saw life as meaningless, pointless, purposeless and filled with pain and sorrow.
I felt that I could not bare the burdens that were placed on my shoulders. They were not easy burdens.
And yet after each prayer, after each pleading for death and an end to my misery of what I called “life”, a shimmer of hope flickered off in the distance.
I’m not sure how it started, I don’t know how many days or weeks or months had gone by, I don’t know what happened… But I do know this:
After a prayer and begging for death I waited for an answer. Thinking I wouldn’t get one, I feebly lifted up my head to see if anyone was with me and I stared into the deep dark beautiful brown eyes of my baby girl.
I didn’t see her eyes… I saw love. I saw compassion. I saw curiosity. I saw HOPE.
I saw staring back at me, a curious new baby in this world trying to figure out what her mother was doing. A woman she looked up to with love, adoration, and complete dependency.
I could not leave my baby.
I had already “left” my other two.
I wasn’t present, in the moment with them.
I was distant.
I was caught up in my depression, my sorrows, my woes, I was merely the woman they knew the longest.
But this baby was going to be different.
I was going to live and love and be the best I could be. Just for HER!
But it wasn’t enough…
It was enough to stay alive..
Enough to keep going…
Enough to pray for strength.
But I still struggled in my misery…
Yet embers of a dying flame of hope started to glow within me.
A year went by and we met Suzie. She introduced us to the Emotion Code.
It took me a few tries but I started to feel the difference.
I was becoming aware.
I started to feel again.
I started to think clearly again.
I realized I didn’t HAVE to be miserable!
But did I choose otherwise?? I sure didn’t!
I enjoyed being miserable!
I enjoyed being unhappy!
I enjoyed the pain.
I enjoyed the sorrow.
I enjoyed being hopeless.
And I stayed that way for another couple years…
And it would have stayed that way…
But God sent me another baby..
Another set of eyes…
But these eyes I will have to wait to see..
For she is not here with me at this time.
But through these set of eyes I have seen HOPE.
Not a small tiny flicker..
But a bright flame brighter than the sun.
There IS HOPE.
There IS LOVE.
There IS JOY.
There IS HAPPINESS.
And it is through our misery, and sorrow, and pain, and agony and all things that bring us to our knees, that we are able to see the BRIGHTNESS of our future.
For who would appreciate the Rays of the sun???
A man on the beach day in and day out, basking the the sun all the days of his life??
Or the man stuck in his own cave of depression, despair and sorrow, who comes out and SEES the brightness of the sun after being in the dark all his life??
You can only feel love as deeply as you have felt sorrow.
My sweet friend…
If you have had pain…
If you have felt sorrow…
If you have felt hopeless, helpless and lost…
If you don’t know which direction to go, who to turn to or what to do…
If you are feeling that life has no meaning, no purpose, no LIFE…
HOLD ON… There is hope.
Christ is my hope. My center. My king. He is my advocate with the Father. And through Him I can see my sweet baby Maria again and look into those beautiful eyes of hers!
There is ALWAYS HOPE. And you can do this.
However bitter your pain is right now, or has been…
Imagine how SWEET your joy will be, if you but endure.
There are worse things in life that loosing a child… It’s loosing YOURSELF in the pain of it all..
Don’t go there.
Don’t be like me.
Life is as beautiful as you make it to be.
It is as sweet as it is painful. But the sweetness is so sweet, you won’t even remember the pain.
It’s been a couple years since that dark time..
I remember counting the minutes, the hours, the days, the months… And now the years.
And I am HERE TO TELL YOU TODAY:
You are LOVED.
You are WANTED.
You are NEEDED in this world.
And there is ALWAYS HOPE.
I believe in you.
All my love,