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18 Months…

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She would have been 18 months today.

She would be walking, and nearly talking.

She would be getting into everything.

She would be bothering her sisters and her brother.

She would be terrorizing our home.

She would be big enough to try things on her own.

I can just see the little crease between her brows as she concentrates on picking up some cereal, or whatever she finds on the floor.

I can see the gummy smile of hers, with what I would hope to be my dimples on both cheeks.

I can see her running from her brother and he would have loved to chase her around the house.

I can see her walking after Na’a wanting to be just like her older sister. And I can see Na’a slightly glancing back as if she didn’t see her sister there, but a little smile of satisfaction that she is the leader.

I can see her dad chasing her as she runs away with his phone, or something that he needs.

I can see Gissi hovering over her every move being the mother she wants to be.

How I miss her…

How I wish she were here…

How I wonder what life would be like…

But this I do know.

She is always present in our lives.

She is always near.

She is always in my heart as I count the days without her.

She is my guardian angel.

She is my ticket to heaven.

She is my hope, my light, my best friend, in a world that isn’t always kind.

She is my reminder that life is short and should be lived to the fullest. Whatever that means.

To me it means to love with no bounds, wonder with no end, give with no thought, and LIVE like tomorrow would never come.

This doesn’t mean to “YOLO” and act like a fool. It means to appreciate those around you, and recognize that life is worth living in this moment. Not the next. Or in 2 years. Or when you have enough money. Or when you’re 21. It is worth living right now. And each moment you breath, can be a moment wasted. Wasted worrying about trivial things like “likes” and “followers”, or who’s dating who, or whats her face has a new problem, or whats his face isn’t being to kind…

Tell those you love, that you love them. Even if you think they already know.

Tell those you appreciate, that you appreciate them. Even if you’ve already said thank you.

Tell those you care, that you care about them. Even if you do take care.

Tell those you miss, that you miss them. Even if they don’t seem to miss you back.

Tell those you worry about, that you worry about them. Even if they don’t listen.

Tell them today. Tomorrow may never come. And in 18 months, you may wonder….

I am not here to make you feel guilty.

I am not here to make you feel sad.

I am definitely not here for your pity or your empathy.

I am here because I wish I had 18 months with my sweet Maria. And because I didn’t, because I don’t, I will enjoy the 18 months, hopefully years, hopefully times 100, with the ones I do have. And I will love them today.

I miss you Maria.

I cannot wait to see you again.

But until then, save us a table in heaven.

My dear friends,

if I haven’t already told you,

you are wanted,

you are loved,

you are needed,

and I thank you for being a part of my world.

All my love,

-Lala

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