Home Again

There’s something about being home again that just makes home, HOME. I grew up both in Utah and Hawaii and for a little while had a little bit of an identity crisis. It wasn’t until I had my own children that I realized there were a few things that made home, HOME.

The one thing I absolutely love about being here at home is my Momma. I love having her near. Although she sometimes drives me up the wall, and maybe my husband too, she really is my rock. I call her about almost everything. When I just need to chat, she’s my go to. I just love her and adore her and admire her and emulate her and she TRULY is a woman I want to grow up to be like. Having her home cooking makes me realize why I wanted to learn how to cook in the first place. Watching her with my kids makes me wonder why I never appreciated her as a child. Seeing how much she LOVES having us here makes me wonder why I never wanted to move home in the first place. I love having her around and will be enjoying every minute with her. And my dad. He’s the best too. We don’t talk as much but he is a man of action more than a man of words. And I’ve appreciated having him close too.

The other great thing about being home is my siblings. I only had one sibling in Utah and he was always busy and far away. These guys get me all day everyday. Lucky them! They drive me crazy sometimes but I really missed having them while I was in Utah. There are few people who get me and get my jokes. There are also even fewer people who get my personality type and craziness. They really are so lucky. Lol.

I also will admit that this humidity is doing me GOOD. My skin looks great. My hair is full again. And I don’t have to use lotion or chapstick all the time either. Even though I feel sticky like.. all day, at least I’m not ashy and cracking everywhere. (TMI? sorry)

And food. Yeah food. Best. Food. Yup.

It really has been awesome to be home again. Showing the kids all the places I used to go and where we lived and what we did has been fun too. They have loved it here so far. Granted we’ve only been here a couple of days but it’s been fun that’s for sure.

I think what makes home, HOME is people who love you and get you. I think it’s the memories and the places that make your heart flutter with joy. I think it’s the shared love for a place, a people, a time, and even a purpose. Moving home was hard because I felt like I was leaving home. Utah is also home to me. There were many people I was so sad to say goodbye to. There were many places I fell in love with that just felt LIKE home. There were so many good things I felt like I was leaving behind. But moving here to Hawaii has also been like moving home again. And that has been an amazing experiences.

Granted, we haven’t been here very long and I’m probably just trying to convince myself that it’s ok to be here, but it really has been an amazing experience. Everything leading up to this move was kind of a complete miracle itself. It has been an eye opener for me. And now that I’m here, the adrenaline has worn off, the magic is starting to fade, and my new “real life” is coming upon me, I feel excited for what new adventures await us.

I admit, I 1000% miss Utah. I will miss our adventures. I will miss the red rock. I will miss the rockies. I will miss my Lehi Fa Taha family. I will miss my Eaglecrest 1 ward neighborhood. And I will miss our little house on the corner of 600 W. But of all the things I miss, I will definitely miss my sweet angel Maria the most. How do I know I’ll be home again? Because our home will never be complete without her. And if that means I have to fly home to Utah to be with her… then so be it.

Home really is where your heart resides. Fortunately, my heart wanders and right now, my heart is at Cedar Breaks lying in a truck falling asleep way past it’s bedtime. Where is your home? And what makes your home, HOME? Let me know in the comments below!

Until next time friends. Who knows… we just might end up somewhere else the next time I write.

All my love,

-Lala G.

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You Are Wanted

Most of my life I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and feeling unwanted. Of all these things, the last one is what gets to me the most.

I don’t think there was one particular thing that made me feel that way. I think it was a combination of experiences, people, things that were said, and basically life that created this feeling. I remember thinking I was too skinny because I am of Tongan decent and I wasn’t as big as everyone else in my family. I remember being told my hair was too big and too crazy because I hated brushing it and it was just easier to leave it be. (Sometimes it’s better to leave the lion untamed.) I also remember being teased for being too smart. And I am not even that smart! I learn easily and retain information pretty well but that doesn’t make me smart. The sciences and math came to me easily. I obviously like to write. And school was just easy for me. I didn’t excel but because I didn’t “struggle”, I was dubbed too smart.

The problem was that there was this mold. This mold defined what the perfect Tongan/American/student/mom/wife/*insert title* was and I did not fit it. Actually I did not fit any of them. I STILL don’t even fit them. I’m as big as I’ve ever been and now people are telling me my butt is too big. Or I look too swollen in the face. I have literally changed every part of my BEING, and it still isn’t enough.

The mold looked a certain way, and even if I tried to mimic its shape… it’s shape would never be me.

So I’m writing this simply because I am in a bind, mentally. My head is trying to follow my heart but my heart is a little broken and so I’m trying to mend the wounds that are no longer bleeding, just a little tender. When you’ve been hounded all your life by so many you love it’s hard to hear your own voice. And so this is really just a love letter to myself. This is just a reminder that the mold doesn’t matter. It actually only exists in my mind because in all honestly… I made the mold.

I created this mold because people were telling me what I was by shining a light on a single part of who I am. Not me as a person, just one little detail that bothered them. Because let’s be honest… my hair is AMAZING. I love it. It’s crazy. It’s all over the place. It’s pretty much untamable. It’s diverse. It’s unique. It perfectly fits… ME. 

Let’s also be honest… can there be such a thing as “too big” of a butt???? I mean if there is a perfect time to have a big butt… it’s NOW! So I might as well enjoy the ride and be grateful that it’s acceptable in society right now. It’s the “in” thing! And I’m totally ok with it.

The truth of the matter is… it didn’t matter what any one else said. My hair is never too big, unless you’re the person sitting behind me. My butt is never too big unless you’re my daughter and I accidentally hit you with it. I was never too skinny. I was never too smart. I was never too anything. I was simply me.

The “too” word came from THEIR standard of who they want me to be. It never actually exists. What exists is… what is. My hair just is. I just am. Life just IS. This word “too” sets the tone that there is a mold… and you are coming out of it. Like the mustard and mayo that oozes out of my favorite kind of burger… the “too” indicates that I am oozing out of this mold. And let’s be honest again… that makes people uncomfortable.

To see something that doesn’t fit your “norm” creates a dissonance it your harmony. The chord changes and you’re stuck trying to figure out how it fits. That’s basically what people were telling me. And my problem was… that I thought I, Heilala, was the problem. But like my awesome karate master says: whoever has the problem is the one with the problem. If you have a problem with my hair… that’s you’re problem. Like I said earlier, my hair isn’t too big… unless you’re sitting behind me.

My problem was that I thought I was a problem. I made myself believe that I was the problem at hand. But in reality, whoever told me I was “too” anything was the one with the problem.

And yes there were some times when I was probably too loud and too annoying and maybe my hair was too big for that wedding. (Lol funny story ask me about it later.) And I admit there are times when there is a standard and you need to follow it. Yes. There is a time and a place for everything. Yes. But to be told that I was “too something” because I was simply being me is unacceptable. Nope. Not today.

So today I’m reminding myself, and you, that we are wanted just as we are. We are totally acceptable. We are loved. We are wanted. We are needed in the world today just as we are. And as we learn and grow and become, we can eventually achieve our potential. But before we become anything, I think we just need to remember that we are completely acceptable as we are. 

I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart.

You ARE LOVED.

You ARE WANTED.

You ARE NEEDED IN THIS WORLD TODAY.

And I hope YOU know it.

Cuz I sure do.

All my love,

Xoxo

-Lala G

RELOCATING

We currently live in Utah but will be relocating really soon! I am completely nervous as I’ve grown accustomed to Utah life and Utah prices and will need to rearrange everything basically. So SURPRISE!!! We’re moving!

Although we are relocating, we will definitely be back. My daughter Maria is here in Utah so my heart will be here forever.

Where are we moving, do you ask???

HAWAII!!

Yep, you heard it here first folks. I’m going home. Home to the islands. Home to paradise.

Now if you know me… you know I do not like living in Hawaii. Lol. 3 reasons: 1) It’s far from EVERYTHING. Hawaii is the most isolated island chain on the planet. It costs hundreds of dollars and hours of airplane travel just to LEAVE the tiny state. 2) It’s expensive. I can buy food and do meal prep for my husband for a whole week on less than $100. You cannot do that in Hawaii. Unless you live on beans and potatoes and unfortunately… my children only like the latter. 3) It’s so small. The whole island is like 2 hours to go around. I just feel trapped sometimes.

Now don’t get me wrong. Hawaii does have it perks. There’s my mom, the food, the ocean, there really are no dangerous animals on the island, the food, the other islands, the food, people are so kind and friendly and filled with the Aloha spirit, the food, it’s paradise, and basically the food. Can you tell what I’m most excited about??? Lol.

Regardless, we are moving because we feel prompted to. We feel that’s where we are needed and that’s where we’re going.

I am excited for our new adventures and how fun it’ll be but I am also extremely sad that I am leaving my favoritest place on earth. So yes, I am admitting, Utah is my most favorite place on earth. But I will be back and I will hopefully be better, wiser, and thinner. LOL.

See you on the beach somewhere in Hawaii!

Xoxox

Lala G