I’ve had a weekend full of crying and writing, not sure what to do or where to go or even what to think.
Last week was a great week. I finished my first week of 100 days of running. 94 more days to go! I completed my flush and I seriously can’t believe I did it. I went back to school and at least I won’t be failing 2 classes. I felt great and almost like a new person with the goals I reached and the success I had in making new habits. But it didn’t erase the hurt I still feel inside.
I’m totally not okay. I’m a huge emotional mess.
I realized this when I finally allowed myself to tell someone “I’m a huge mess and I’m going crazy! I’ve started crazy things like running everyday and doing a gallbladder flush”. I realized the truth in these words.
If you know me, you know I am NOT athletic. In any way shape or form.
I’m not a healthy person.
I hate the gym.
I hate exercise.
I hate even THINKING about anything healthy.
Being married to a health guru, I’m seriously sick and tired of what is healthy for me, what I should or should not be eating, how to stay active or have more energy and blah blah BLAH.
But I ran everyday last week. For HALF AN HOUR.
I completed a gallbladder flush. Something I needed to do 3 years ago and couldn’t because of how disgusting the drinks were.
I went to the gym every night with Joshua.
I ate clean for 4 whole days. No meat, no candy, NADA.
What. Is. Wrong with me!
Then I realized what I was doing. Thanks to my sweet baby girl.
I’ve been in a bad place before where I moped around, begged for death and hated life.
I don’t remember much of the first 8 months after my son was born because of postpartum.
I remember crying almost hourly for a whole day and multiple times a day for weeks because of a difficult trial I’ve been through.
I know what it’s like to feel so much self hate, take so much self abuse, that I didn’t want to live any more. At all. Life did not feel worth it.
And I do not EVER want to be there again.
I could not let myself feel that way again. Or be in at state of mind or “place” as I call it.
A few weeks before baby, I let myself “go there”. I beat myself up for past things and was just really in a bad place.
After I realized my sweet Maria was gone, I couldn’t believe how unhappy I let myself be.
What more could I ask for in life??
I have an amazing husband, 3 healthy, happy, beautiful kids, a wonderful home in a great neighborhood, I’m healthy and fine, I get to go to school, I have awesome friends and life is just great.
How selfish am I to keep bringing up past issues and things I can’t change when I could have been celebrating life and living in a way that would show the ones I love that I love them.
I needed to change my thought process.
I needed to change my habits.
I needed to make a change so unlike me, that I could rewire my head. Just so I don’t “go there” again.
I decided on running because not only was everyone doing it and could keep me accountable, but it was so out of my comfort zone, so not something I would do. It’s been great. I feel great. I can think about things and cry and let it out all at the same time. Instead of concentrating on the physical pain, I think of the emotional pain I’m going through and have been through and I simply let it out.
I’m still trippin out because I actually did the gallbladder cleanse with a 3 day clean eating. Something I told myself I could never do. I totally proved myself wrong! It was so empowering, even if it didn’t work and I didn’t have a single gallstone release. I did it. I actually did it!!
I have been a huge mess. My house is a mess. I can’t think straight half the time. I forget things a lot. I look like I’m out of it half the time, and I probably am. But I’m okay.
I’m okay cuz I’m not okay and I’m okay with that.
I’m doing things to rewrite the things in my head. Or to rewire since I don’t want to allow myself to go back to the same motions and ways of thinking.
Life can be hard. But it’s okay to do hard things.
I don’t have a choice, other than to keep going. There is no options. You either live or you don’t. I choose to live.
Days and minutes can be hard. I still cry and let myself feel that pain and sorrow.
It’s been almost 2 weeks since we buried her. It feels like an eternity yet I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by…
We leave for New York in two days and as excited a I’d like to be because I’m going I can’t be because now I can…
I know I’m feeling guilty because I can only go since she is not here but I just wish she were here…
I know I just miss the physical part of having a baby because she will always be my daughter and she will always have a special place in my heart. I will always miss her until the day I can be with her again. I feel her presence all the time and I know she is constantly with me.
Saturday night as I ran in the dark I felt afraid. But I wanted to reach out and grab her hand because I knew she was with me, watching me and protecting me. I was probably scarier to everyone around me as a dark figure with big hair running in the dark, but it was comforting to know I wasn’t alone. I know now I’m never alone. I have my angel. My sweet Maria.
I feel different, I look different and I see things differently. I feel like I’ve lost something and I know people see it… But I’ve also gained more.
I’ve gained a new perspective on life and how short it really is.
I’ve gained a new love for my husband, my children, my family, my friends, even those who I don’t really appreciate. (I don’t really hate anyone I’d just rather they fell off the earth. And I’m pretty sure you know who you are. 😝)
I’ve gained an angel, one I love dearly and can’t wait to see.
I’ve gained a greater testimony that God lives, His Son is my Savior and that They have a plan for us all.
And I’m trying to gain a new habit of running and being more active.
All thanks to my sweet Maria. I love you 😘 I miss you, everyday I miss you more.