I wrote this while I was pregnant with Maria. I was really hurting, suffering, miserable, depressed… all for nothing. Simply because I couldn’t let go. I didn’t have the guts to post it because in reality… I just couldn’t forgive. I couldn’t let go. If there is a lesson learned from my sweet baby girl… it’s to let go and let God. To live and move on. To forgive and find peace. She has helped me find that. So I’m ready to post this.
I like to write because it’s hard for me to express verbally what I’m feeling without getting too emotional. I get lost in my emotions and thoughts that I can never really “say” what I want to say. Writing allows me to share my thoughts and feelings in a way that I still get all emotional and cry baby about everything, but I can re-read, re-think, re-write and really FIND the words I want to express.
I’m going a little deeper than I thought but this topic is something that I really, REALLY struggle with.
It’s not easy. But it is worth it.
There have been times in my life where I just didn’t understand why certain things had to happen. I’ve struggled with “letting go and letting God” for fear of the things I’ll have to face in the future. If the struggles I’ve had have been as difficult as they have been, then how much more will I have to go through to reach the potential I need to be at???
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson
To reach our potential, to become the person we know we can become takes responsibility. Responsibility for ones self, our actions, our words, our thoughts, our whole being. That includes our feelings towards others.
I’ve played the victim card. I still play it all the time. It’s like my Ace. I use it every chance I get. It’s a mindset we’ve been taught.
“It’s not your fault, you’re poly that’s what you do.”
“You’re just like your dad.”
“But he hurt you. You have the right to be angry, mad, annoyed, ect.”
We are taught that we are a certain way and there is no way around it.
But is that true????
The greatest difference between man and animal is our ability to think beyond the “self”. We can separate from ourselves and analyze what we really think. Or to think if what we think is really what we think.
When an animal is acted upon it acts a certain way. If you get to close, it might run or attack. It simply reacts.
When a person is acted upon, we can act a certain way but we don’t have to if we choose not to.
If you hit a person, they might hit you back. They might stand there. They might run away. The biggest difference is that the person can also THINK about WHY they react and DECIDE TO CHANGE. We can reason with ourselves, with others and think about beyond what is happening.
Now what does this have to do with forgiveness and our potential?
Our ability to forgive others directly affects our potential.
How effective would you be if someone hurt you in a way that just hearing their name made you furious. Just thinking about them put you into a rage so menacing that you couldn’t concentrate on your work. The person isn’t even THERE and you have given them the power to affect you in a way that you become absolutely unproductive.
Or what if someone hurt you in a way that when you saw something that reminded you of that event it put you into a depression. Constant crying, self loathing simply because of a memory of something that happened maybe years ago.
“But they hurt me so bad…”
“But it’s not fair that I’m hurting and they’re not!”
“But why do I have to feel this way/go through this/ect?”
I’m going to tell you straight up, that I have NO IDEA. I don’t know why the burdens you carry are the ones you carry. I don’t know why we have to go through struggles we face. I don’t know why people hurt others. I don’t know.
But I do know this.
Forgiving isn’t about saying “it’s ok”. Forgiving is saying “it happened, and I’m still ok”. I love the quote by Oprah:
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
Life sucks sometimes.
There’s nothing you can do about that. But you can change your perspective. You can change the way your react. You can decide how you want to be REGARDLESS of how the world is to you.
Victor Frankl, infamous Holocaust survivor. Went through unimaginable horrors, saw terrible things, yet realized that he had a power that NO ONE could take away, but himself. He had the ability to chose his thoughts. He didn’t just react and become bitter, angry, full of hate. He chose to let the past be the past and become his greatest self.
But that’s what makes life so beautiful. Like the song Let Her Go
Well, You only need the light when it’s burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home.
Only know you love her when you let her go,
And you let her go.
How much greater is your joy when you’ve felt sorrow?
How much greater is your love when you’ve felt pain?
How much greater is your success when you’ve been through failure?
I’m not suggesting that we have to beat ourselves up and take ourselves to the lowest low before we can feel the highest high. But what I am saying is maybe forgiving gives us the greatest pleasures in life because of all the sorrow, pain, hurt, anger, hate, ect that we have felt.
Maybe forgiveness is our way of learning that we can become our best self REGARDLESS of our past.
My past is not perfect. I’ve hurt a lot of people and have made so many mistakes I’ve forgotten how fearless I used to be.
To trust again takes courage.
To love again takes faith.
To forgive and forget takes more strength than a thousand army men.
I struggle with this on a daily basis. To forgive myself, my spouse, those who have hurt me, my family, ect. But each day that I do, I recognize that I’m furthering my potential, reaching my highest self and loving myself the best way possible.
I poured my heart out in this piece. Not because I needed a message to be heard, but because I needed a message to be learned. I needed it. More than anything else. Thanks for letting me share a piece of me with you.