A lesson in Forgiving

I wrote this while I was pregnant with Maria. I was really hurting, suffering, miserable, depressed… all for nothing. Simply because I couldn’t let go. I didn’t have the guts to post it because in reality… I just couldn’t forgive. I couldn’t let go. If there is a lesson learned from my sweet baby girl… it’s to let go and let God. To live and move on. To forgive and find peace. She has helped me find that. So I’m ready to post this.

I like to write because it’s hard for me to express verbally what I’m feeling without getting too emotional. I get lost in my emotions and thoughts that I can never really “say” what I want to say. Writing allows me to share my thoughts and feelings in a way that I still get all emotional and cry baby about everything, but I can re-read, re-think, re-write and really FIND the words I want to express.

I’m going a little deeper than I thought but this topic is something that I really, REALLY struggle with.

Forgiveness.

Forgiving others.

Forgiving yourself.

It’s not easy. But it is worth it.

There have been times in my life where I just didn’t understand why certain things had to happen. I’ve struggled with “letting go and letting God” for fear of the things I’ll have to face in the future. If the struggles I’ve had have been as difficult as they have been, then how much more will I have to go through to reach the potential I need to be at???

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

To reach our potential, to become the person we know we can become takes responsibility. Responsibility for ones self, our actions, our words, our thoughts, our whole being. That includes our feelings towards others.

I’ve played the victim card. I still play it all the time. It’s like my Ace. I use it every chance I get. It’s a mindset we’ve been taught.

“It’s not your fault, you’re poly that’s what you do.”

“You’re just like your dad.”

“But he hurt you. You have the right to be angry, mad, annoyed, ect.”

We are taught that we are a certain way and there is no way around it.

But is that true????

The greatest difference between man and animal is our ability to think beyond the “self”. We can separate from ourselves and analyze what we really think. Or to think if what we think is really what we think.

When an animal is acted upon it acts a certain way. If you get to close, it might run or attack. It simply reacts.

When a person is acted upon, we can act a certain way but we don’t have to if we choose not to.

If you hit a person, they might hit you back. They might stand there. They might run away. The biggest difference is that the person can also THINK about WHY they react and DECIDE TO CHANGE. We can reason with ourselves, with others and think about beyond what is happening.

Now what does this have to do with forgiveness and our potential?

Our ability to forgive others directly affects our potential.

How effective would you be if someone hurt you in a way that just hearing their name made you furious. Just thinking about them put you into a rage so menacing that you couldn’t concentrate on your work. The person isn’t even THERE and you have given them the power to affect you in a way that you become absolutely unproductive.

Or what if someone hurt you in a way that when you saw something that reminded you of that event it put you into a depression. Constant crying, self loathing simply because of a memory of something that happened maybe years ago.

“But they hurt me so bad…”

“But it’s not fair that I’m hurting and they’re not!”

“But why do I have to feel this way/go through this/ect?”

“WHY ME????”

I’m going to tell you straight up, that I have NO IDEA. I don’t know why the burdens you carry are the ones you carry. I don’t know why we have to go through struggles we face. I don’t know why people hurt others. I don’t know.

But I do know this.

Forgiving isn’t about saying “it’s ok”. Forgiving is saying “it happened, and I’m still ok”. I love the quote by Oprah:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

Life sucks sometimes.

There’s nothing you can do about that. But you can change your perspective. You can change the way your react. You can decide how you want to be REGARDLESS of how the world is to you.

Victor Frankl, infamous Holocaust survivor. Went through unimaginable horrors, saw terrible things, yet realized that he had a power that NO ONE could take away, but himself. He had the ability to chose his thoughts. He didn’t just react and become bitter, angry, full of hate. He chose to let the past be the past and become his greatest self.

But that’s what makes life so beautiful. Like the song Let Her Go

Well, You only need the light when it’s burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home.
Only know you love her when you let her go,
And you let her go.

How much greater is your joy when you’ve felt sorrow?
How much greater is your love when you’ve felt pain?
How much greater is your success when you’ve been through failure?

I’m not suggesting that we have to beat ourselves up and take ourselves to the lowest low before we can feel the highest high. But what I am saying is maybe forgiving gives us the greatest pleasures in life because of all the sorrow, pain, hurt, anger, hate, ect that we have felt.

Maybe forgiveness is our way of learning that we can become our best self REGARDLESS of our past.

My past is not perfect. I’ve hurt a lot of people and have made so many mistakes I’ve forgotten how fearless I used to be.

To trust again takes courage.

To love again takes faith.

To forgive and forget takes more strength than a thousand army men.

I struggle with this on a daily basis. To forgive myself, my spouse, those who have hurt me, my family, ect. But each day that I do, I recognize that I’m furthering my potential, reaching my highest self and loving myself the best way possible.

I poured my heart out in this piece. Not because I needed a message to be heard, but because I needed a message to be learned. I needed it. More than anything else. Thanks for letting me share a piece of me with you.

Woo hoo! Im free!

WAY back in the day. When my biggest worry was what I was wearing to school the next day.

 

Marriage, my biggest headache..

Today has been awful for me, emotionally. I am completely drained. I feel like crap and I seriously just wanted to sleep all day. It has been a struggle, emotionally, since baby Maria. Loosing a child at full term will cause anyone to struggle emotionally. Finding out your precious baby you and your whole family/circle of friends have been waiting for at 40 weeks and 1 day is gone isn’t easy. Although it’s been 7 weeks since her passing, I still have a hard time. Especially today. Not because of her death itself, but because of the vulnerability and emotional awareness it has brought to the conscious mind and I am seriously hating it.

Marriage.

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Ugh.

Not because I hate my marriage, I love my husband Joshua and would marry him over and over again (at least that’s what I keep telling myself 😜) but marriage is hard work.

Just like raising kids. It gives me a headache.

Joshua and I have had an interesting marriage. So interesting in fact, that we have nearly divorced, but decided not to, then almost divorced, but I decided not to, and now we’re still together. Ta dah!!

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It has been an insane ride and I seriously would never do this again. (Even though I just said I’d marry Joshua again. I’m bipolar like that.)

But seriously, I would never go through what I’ve been through again. I would have listened and been obedient instead of trying things on my own. Life doesn’t work that way.

Today I struggled because of past things. (That “place” I was talking about the other day? Oh ya, I went there today.) I keep getting blind sided when it comes up. I just can’t seem to control my emotions and feelings and crap. It gives me a headache!!

“don’t you do the emotion code, energy work, whatever thingy you call it??” -I can just hear all of you asking that.

Yes. I do. And it’s helped me in ways you can’t even imagine…

I’m kind of an angry person. I kind of want to punch everyone in the face most of the time. (Well most people, not all people.) Especially Josh. I like love him and hate him, all at the same time. I like to throw things and kick holes in the wall and all that fun stuff. (Never when my kids are around, sheesh! They already think I’m crazy, I don’t want them to think I’m psycho or insane.) I usually throw a fit when I’m alone. That’s why I picked up running. I figured its better for my house and safer for my well being.

Anyways, the emotion code has helped me calm a lot of that down. (I mean A LOT of that.) I don’t “throw fits” often but now I just sulk and don’t want to get anything done. To “get away” from my emotions I like to do Emotion Code Sessions. Dealing with other peoples emotions is so much easier than dealing with my own. It makes more sense.

Marriage has really brought the best and worst out of me. I’ve found gifts and talents and have developed a self love I never knew existed, but I’ve also never realized how emotional, angry and physical I can be. (I never thought I’d run and now I’m doing it for “fun”.)

Marriage is hard work. Especially if you’re two idiots getting married because one of you is pregnant. (And it wasn’t Josh.) I was so naive, so dumb, so egotistical to think that I could make a man fall “in love” with me. After 2 years, I realized I couldn’t. I realized HE had to decide. He did decide after a year (FINALLY) and now almost 3 years later (our 6th anniversary is on June 28th 😁), I’m so glad he did.

I’m writing this partially to convince myself that you don’t have to have “perfect beginnings” for a “perfect ending”, (I’m a writer, I wanted my “perfect story”, what do you expect??) and partially because a sweet prima of mine is getting married.

Marriage isn’t just about love and happiness and fun and “perfect soulmates” or “the one”. It’s about honesty, hard work, loyalty, the good AND the bad and forgiveness.

I said I would never go through what I went through again, but I didn’t say I would take it all back. (I only say that when I’m REALLY PISSED.) We have the kind of relationship we have now because of what we went through. We love our marriage. Yes, we’re not the perfect couple, but that’s why we’re amazing. We’re the most imperfect couple out there and we’re STILL makin it work!

Each couple has their trials, each pair faces different things, but those who make a choice, who make a life long commitment, make it through. My good friend The Reverend of Revolution, Setema Gali, always reminds me on FB to MAKE THAT COMMITMENT. And once you do, you continue to RECOMMIT.

I made a vow almost 6 years ago, to the day, to commit myself to my husband. I admit there were times I wavered and faltered. I did not own up to that commitment for a few years. I didn’t make that choice. I was going through the motions and expected him to magically “fall in love” with me. (I chose the ONE GUY who didn’t.) I had to commit and allow him the same choice. Once we both did, it was easy.

Not easy as in

20140602-185453-68093975.jpg “everything is awesome” cuz it’s not. Easy as in, when a choice comes up, when I get angry, when some annoying guy tries to spit game at me even though he knows I’m taken, or when josh does something stupid that makes me want to punch him in the face, (which is hardly ever), do I chose to waiver or recommit???

I recommit. I already made that choice. 3 years ago we decided not to get divorced and make our marriage work. I just remind myself that I said yes, I commit myself to Joshua. MY Joshua. And that’s it.

That’s seriously IT.

Once you decide, you DECIDE. You don’t change your decision. These days people be changing their minds like Nicki Minaj be changing hairstyles. No, when you say I do, for better or for worse, you are committing FOR BETTER or FOR WORSE. If not, then you never committed in the first place.

I understand that there are situations where there is too much danger or risk involved, but that’s not for worse. That’s like homie you need HELP. And I know people who have been there. That’s not what I’m talking about.

You young kids (cuz I’m so old) need to recognize that it’s not just love and the fantasy and flashy lifestyle. It’s work, dedication, commitment and a choice every single day.

Today was a day that I felt like crap. I was annoyed, angry, sad, hurt, humiliated and my pride was completely shot. But that’s ok. I recommitted and decided to be better than yesterday. I made a choice that on good days AND bad days I would love him and appreciate him and be there for him. He has his days, I have mine, but we both commit to be there for each other regardless.

Nothing happened to make me want to leave, that’s all in the past. “But the past can hurt…” And that’s ok. As long as you “learn from it”. (Thank you Rafiki.)

This is just what I’ve learned from it.

Run if you’re angry instead of punching walls.

Commit and decide, then recommit.

Marriage is about work, dedication, commitment, all on top of love.

Joshua, my Joshua, my sweet, nothing-short-of-amazing husband… I love you. Even though you’re a punk.

And everyday I decide to love him. Even on days where I just want to punch him in the face. (Which is a lot less than before the emotion code came into my life.) 6 years down, the rest of our lives to go.

Marriage, it’s more than love. It’s a commitment.

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Postpartum checkup and Rafiki

Yesterday I had my 6 week postpartum check up. It has been 7 weeks since she came and went. I had convinced myself that things would be easier and that I’d be “okay”.

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Well I’m not.

I’m actually just starting to feel again.

I allowed myself the sadness and pain then slowly I numbed myself to where I can actually talk about her with a straight face and not feel.

This week I realized that I sound like a robot. I look like a heartless woman when I talk about her because instead of concentrating on how I feel, I try to make things less awkward to whomever I talking to.

Thursday I allowed myself to feel as I spoke with someone and although I felt a deep sorrow and longing for my baby, I felt their sincerity and deepest sympathy for my loss.

Yesterday as I was at Central Utah Clinic’s Women’s Center (which I absolutely love), I allowed myself the emotions I usually try to hide. I felt sadness because I was alone and had no baby to show off. I felt anger, because I had gone through the whole 40 weeks and she was gone and there was nothing I could have done about it. I felt anxious, because I saw the little heart beat finder thingy and my heart stopped for a minute. This was where I found out she was gone. One week before finding a heart beat was so easy and the next week it’s gone….

I was so grateful that they gave me an appointment with the midwife that had been through the same thing. She had two boys, one a still born and the other died a week later. Being able to talk to her and listen to how she dealt with her struggles was so comforting. I know that all the midwives cared for and felt for me, but she had been there. She knew where I was and what I felt and she let me know it was ok. She was extremely sincere and empathetic towards me and I don’t think it could have gone any better.

Yes I was sad.

Yes it was scary.

Yes I missed my baby.

Yes I dreaded going and didn’t want to be there.

But it’s ok to do hard things.

It’s ok to be somewhere that reminds you of something difficult.

It’s ok to see things or people that remind you of difficult things.

A month before baby was born I was stressing out because of things that reminded me of past issues. I thought I was ok, I thought I was fine, and then something’s came up and reminded me and I was in “that place” where I try so hard not to go. I felt hurt, insecure, sad, depressed, stressed out and just not in a good place. After I had baby Maria those issues seemed irrelevant, small and extremely insignificant. I felt ok and was full of love and comfort. Weeks later I found myself struggling with the same issues.

I’m not perfect, neither do I have a perfect understanding. I don’t know how baby died or why she died or why anything bad happens to anyone. But as a wise blue butt baboon said:

Ahh, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I look at it, you can either run from it or learn from it.
So what are you going to do now??

I could have just not gone to my appointment (which I was so tempted to do). I could just hide from the world in my sorrow or become so busy I don’t feel anything. Which I kind of did. Or I could bury my feelings deep inside and hope they never come out. In which they always do in a very unpleasant way.

I chose to go.

I chose to feel.

I choose to not hide from the world but embrace it and welcome it.

I choose to express my emotions through crying, writing, dancing, singing, playing with my kids, arguing with my husband, reaching out to old friends, teaching my primary kids, going to the temple, being open and allow all that God has in store for me into my life. Blessings, trials, joy, sorrow, the good, the bad, all that He deems good for my potential, my eternal happiness, my life, my learning experience, my perfect self, whatever will teach me to become the best me possible, be it blessing or trial (or both since they can be one in the same depending on your perspective), I choose to LEARN FROM IT.

At 7 weeks I can tell you I’m ok but not ok. It may seem like I haven’t progressed but I guess it depends on your perspective. I’m still sad, I still cry, I’ll never get over it.. But I accept it, I value this trial and I look forward to the day I can see her again.

7 weeks has been quick but has also felt like an eternity. 7 weeks down, eternity to go, I think I’ve got the right perspective.

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So what are you going to do? Run from it? Or learn from it? The choice is yours alone.