That’s right. 

I’m going there. 

And this isn’t even a rant. It is more of a moment of clarity. 

I finally get it. 

I finally get what I did wrong. I am here to help YOU not make the same mistake.

So a few years ago, I was kind of in a rut. I realized that I didn’t like the regular 9-5. I wasn’t a day-in, day-out kind of person. I have a short attention span and I am kind of spontaneous. Having a regular day job was just not my thing. BUT, I couldn’t live life broke. My husband made decent money and we weren’t doing bad. I just wanted more.

I wanted to travel. I loooooooove traveling. I wanted to cross the globe and prove to the world that I could do it! I wanted to make money on the go. I wanted to eat where ever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn’t want a fancy car. I definitely don’t want a big house. I don’t care for nice clothes. I also don’t like wearing shoes. At least not all the time. I don’t care for bags or new gadgets or anything that costs money. All I wanted was to go places and eat new food. Or eat foods that I’m obsessed with and then I hate for a long time. I’m that kind of person.

So here I was with this new dilemma. What do I do? How do I do all my traveling and eating without a 9-5 job? 

That meant I needed to find a “job” that fit me.

While on this journey I had a friend who was doing some “coaching”. He was teaching skills and lessons that would help people create value in all the areas of their lives. Who wants to be rich and sad? Or who wants to be fit and broke? It was about having abundance in all the aspects of our lives.

My husband had the  bought a $1000 package for 1 hour sessions every week for 6 months. This worked well for my husband. He got it. He totally got it. He totally gets it.

I, on the other hand, had a difficult time with the information. I could see how it worked but I couldn’t see how it would work with ME. It connected some dots but not ALL the dots. But I wanted HIS life. I wanted to do the “coaching”. Helping people and making your own schedule. Working from whenever to whenever or where ever. It seemed like a dream! He worked when he wanted, where he wanted, how he wanted… too good to be true. (Yet he is STILL doing it!) Coaching and changing people’s lives while living his own dreams. And he told me I could do exactly what he was doing if I followed his steps! And so I did. Or at least I “attempted”.

In the next step, I needed to invest $7000.

Now before you go judging me and judging this guy, YES, that is a lot of money. Yes it seems a little fishy but here is some key information you don’t know.

1. This guy was a GOOD friend of ours. I would trust him with my life. I honestly would. He was an honest man and I KNEW that from the get go. I had no problem with trusting him with anything.
2. He had clients who were paying much more than my $7000. He was being kind to me. He helped a client bring home $10,000 just the week before. This was not new to him. He knew what he was doing.
3. I knew that he could help me get where I wanted to be. I did not doubt that.

So I hope you did not judge me or my friend on any of this. It was a smart move for me. Potentially. 

But here’s the catch…. It was the WORST investment I ever made.

Not because I invested in him, it was because I believed I was investing in him.

I thought that I was paying him $7000 to make me like him. I thought I was investing in him. I thought he was my investment.

Now I bet you’re thinking “well isn’t he???” “Isn’t that what you paid him to do? Make you better? To make you like him?”

And the answer is no.

I did not pay him to make me like him.

I did not invest in him.

That money, that $7000, that was me trying to invest in me.

See… here’s the thing…. no matter what he taught or what he did or what he showed me or what he told me to do… only I could do it.

It was all on ME. It was Heilala that needed to do the work. It was Heilala that needed to put in the effort. It was Heilala that needed to do the assignments and the CORE 4 and the things that would make my systems go.

My problem was that I failed to understand that… I was really investing in me. He was just the teacher.

If you’re not understanding, let me put it this way.

When you go to college are you investing in the college/university of your choice?

The answer is technically yes. You expect them to teach you the necessary things you need for your degree. You are there for your eductation.

Wait… FOR YOUR EDUCATION.

You are there for YOU.

Who has to put in the time?

Who has to turn in the homework?

Who has to study?

Who has to go to class?

YOU.

YOU DO.

YOU. HAVE. TO. DO. THE. WORK.

IT IS ALL ON YOU.

You are investing in…. YOU.

Your education isn’t about the college or university. Yes, that does have to play a part of it. You want the best education from the best professors and the best institute possible… but YOU want this education for YOU. And YOU are the investment.

And that is what I lacked clarity on.

I was investing in ME>

I was merely paying this “institute” to give me the proper tools and education I needed.

Did he deliver???? OH YES HE DID>

He OVER delivered. He was way beyond the money I gave him.

This is how annoying it is… every “how to” and “click here” I entered and joined and watched and looked over, every MLM and business and training I attended, every single self development book I’ve read and listened to… it all came down to the same things he taught me. That’s what he taught me. ALL OF IT.

How to create wealth. How to create the body you want. How to develop amazing relationships. How to find fulfillment. He taught me all of that and MORE.

I know every lesson in the book.

If there were a test on all of that info, I would ACE IT LIKE NOBODIES BUSINESS…

But here’s the catch…. how willing am I to invest in ME?

How willing am I to pay myself $7000 to get me where I want to be?????

Obviously, I never have been.

I never tried.

I never put in the work.

I never did the homework.

I never turned in the assignments.

I never went to class prepared.

I was too unwilling to invest in myself.

The one thing that would have changed the whole game for me. The one thing that would have made this the BEST investment I ever made would have been one simple thing.

All I needed to do was recognize that I was investing in ME.

I was paying ME.

I failed because I failed to see.

But now I see.

I started investing in me.

I now realize that I truly am what it takes to receive abundance in all aspects of life. 

I get it now. And I hope you do too.

And the best investment I ever made????

We’ll…

That’s a story for another day 😘 

Til then, remember…

You are loved.

You are wanted.

You are needed in this world today.

You are worth investing in. 

Thank you for being you.

Xoxo,

-Lala G

PS. Part 2 will be out next week, don’t worry 😘

There’s something about being home again that just makes home, HOME. I grew up both in Utah and Hawaii and for a little while had a little bit of an identity crisis. It wasn’t until I had my own children that I realized there were a few things that made home, HOME.

The one thing I absolutely love about being here at home is my Momma. I love having her near. Although she sometimes drives me up the wall, and maybe my husband too, she really is my rock. I call her about almost everything. When I just need to chat, she’s my go to. I just love her and adore her and admire her and emulate her and she TRULY is a woman I want to grow up to be like. Having her home cooking makes me realize why I wanted to learn how to cook in the first place. Watching her with my kids makes me wonder why I never appreciated her as a child. Seeing how much she LOVES having us here makes me wonder why I never wanted to move home in the first place. I love having her around and will be enjoying every minute with her. And my dad. He’s the best too. We don’t talk as much but he is a man of action more than a man of words. And I’ve appreciated having him close too.

The other great thing about being home is my siblings. I only had one sibling in Utah and he was always busy and far away. These guys get me all day everyday. Lucky them! They drive me crazy sometimes but I really missed having them while I was in Utah. There are few people who get me and get my jokes. There are also even fewer people who get my personality type and craziness. They really are so lucky. Lol.

I also will admit that this humidity is doing me GOOD. My skin looks great. My hair is full again. And I don’t have to use lotion or chapstick all the time either. Even though I feel sticky like.. all day, at least I’m not ashy and cracking everywhere. (TMI? sorry)

And food. Yeah food. Best. Food. Yup.

It really has been awesome to be home again. Showing the kids all the places I used to go and where we lived and what we did has been fun too. They have loved it here so far. Granted we’ve only been here a couple of days but it’s been fun that’s for sure.

I think what makes home, HOME is people who love you and get you. I think it’s the memories and the places that make your heart flutter with joy. I think it’s the shared love for a place, a people, a time, and even a purpose. Moving home was hard because I felt like I was leaving home. Utah is also home to me. There were many people I was so sad to say goodbye to. There were many places I fell in love with that just felt LIKE home. There were so many good things I felt like I was leaving behind. But moving here to Hawaii has also been like moving home again. And that has been an amazing experiences.

Granted, we haven’t been here very long and I’m probably just trying to convince myself that it’s ok to be here, but it really has been an amazing experience. Everything leading up to this move was kind of a complete miracle itself. It has been an eye opener for me. And now that I’m here, the adrenaline has worn off, the magic is starting to fade, and my new “real life” is coming upon me, I feel excited for what new adventures await us.

I admit, I 1000% miss Utah. I will miss our adventures. I will miss the red rock. I will miss the rockies. I will miss my Lehi Fa Taha family. I will miss my Eaglecrest 1 ward neighborhood. And I will miss our little house on the corner of 600 W. But of all the things I miss, I will definitely miss my sweet angel Maria the most. How do I know I’ll be home again? Because our home will never be complete without her. And if that means I have to fly home to Utah to be with her… then so be it.

Home really is where your heart resides. Fortunately, my heart wanders and right now, my heart is at Cedar Breaks lying in a truck falling asleep way past it’s bedtime. Where is your home? And what makes your home, HOME? Let me know in the comments below!

Until next time friends. Who knows… we just might end up somewhere else the next time I write.

All my love,

-Lala G.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and feeling unwanted. Of all these things, the last one is what gets to me the most.

I don’t think there was one particular thing that made me feel that way. I think it was a combination of experiences, people, things that were said, and basically life that created this feeling. I remember thinking I was too skinny because I am of Tongan decent and I wasn’t as big as everyone else in my family. I remember being told my hair was too big and too crazy because I hated brushing it and it was just easier to leave it be. (Sometimes it’s better to leave the lion untamed.) I also remember being teased for being too smart. And I am not even that smart! I learn easily and retain information pretty well but that doesn’t make me smart. The sciences and math came to me easily. I obviously like to write. And school was just easy for me. I didn’t excel but because I didn’t “struggle”, I was dubbed too smart.

The problem was that there was this mold. This mold defined what the perfect Tongan/American/student/mom/wife/*insert title* was and I did not fit it. Actually I did not fit any of them. I STILL don’t even fit them. I’m as big as I’ve ever been and now people are telling me my butt is too big. Or I look too swollen in the face. I have literally changed every part of my BEING, and it still isn’t enough.

The mold looked a certain way, and even if I tried to mimic its shape… it’s shape would never be me.

So I’m writing this simply because I am in a bind, mentally. My head is trying to follow my heart but my heart is a little broken and so I’m trying to mend the wounds that are no longer bleeding, just a little tender. When you’ve been hounded all your life by so many you love it’s hard to hear your own voice. And so this is really just a love letter to myself. This is just a reminder that the mold doesn’t matter. It actually only exists in my mind because in all honestly… I made the mold.

I created this mold because people were telling me what I was by shining a light on a single part of who I am. Not me as a person, just one little detail that bothered them. Because let’s be honest… my hair is AMAZING. I love it. It’s crazy. It’s all over the place. It’s pretty much untamable. It’s diverse. It’s unique. It perfectly fits… ME. 

Let’s also be honest… can there be such a thing as “too big” of a butt???? I mean if there is a perfect time to have a big butt… it’s NOW! So I might as well enjoy the ride and be grateful that it’s acceptable in society right now. It’s the “in” thing! And I’m totally ok with it.

The truth of the matter is… it didn’t matter what any one else said. My hair is never too big, unless you’re the person sitting behind me. My butt is never too big unless you’re my daughter and I accidentally hit you with it. I was never too skinny. I was never too smart. I was never too anything. I was simply me.

The “too” word came from THEIR standard of who they want me to be. It never actually exists. What exists is… what is. My hair just is. I just am. Life just IS. This word “too” sets the tone that there is a mold… and you are coming out of it. Like the mustard and mayo that oozes out of my favorite kind of burger… the “too” indicates that I am oozing out of this mold. And let’s be honest again… that makes people uncomfortable.

To see something that doesn’t fit your “norm” creates a dissonance it your harmony. The chord changes and you’re stuck trying to figure out how it fits. That’s basically what people were telling me. And my problem was… that I thought I, Heilala, was the problem. But like my awesome karate master says: whoever has the problem is the one with the problem. If you have a problem with my hair… that’s you’re problem. Like I said earlier, my hair isn’t too big… unless you’re sitting behind me.

My problem was that I thought I was a problem. I made myself believe that I was the problem at hand. But in reality, whoever told me I was “too” anything was the one with the problem.

And yes there were some times when I was probably too loud and too annoying and maybe my hair was too big for that wedding. (Lol funny story ask me about it later.) And I admit there are times when there is a standard and you need to follow it. Yes. There is a time and a place for everything. Yes. But to be told that I was “too something” because I was simply being me is unacceptable. Nope. Not today.

So today I’m reminding myself, and you, that we are wanted just as we are. We are totally acceptable. We are loved. We are wanted. We are needed in the world today just as we are. And as we learn and grow and become, we can eventually achieve our potential. But before we become anything, I think we just need to remember that we are completely acceptable as we are. 

I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart.

You ARE LOVED.

You ARE WANTED.

You ARE NEEDED IN THIS WORLD TODAY.

And I hope YOU know it.

Cuz I sure do.

All my love,

Xoxo

-Lala G

We currently live in Utah but will be relocating really soon! I am completely nervous as I’ve grown accustomed to Utah life and Utah prices and will need to rearrange everything basically. So SURPRISE!!! We’re moving!

Although we are relocating, we will definitely be back. My daughter Maria is here in Utah so my heart will be here forever.

Where are we moving, do you ask???

HAWAII!!

Yep, you heard it here first folks. I’m going home. Home to the islands. Home to paradise.

Now if you know me… you know I do not like living in Hawaii. Lol. 3 reasons: 1) It’s far from EVERYTHING. Hawaii is the most isolated island chain on the planet. It costs hundreds of dollars and hours of airplane travel just to LEAVE the tiny state. 2) It’s expensive. I can buy food and do meal prep for my husband for a whole week on less than $100. You cannot do that in Hawaii. Unless you live on beans and potatoes and unfortunately… my children only like the latter. 3) It’s so small. The whole island is like 2 hours to go around. I just feel trapped sometimes.

Now don’t get me wrong. Hawaii does have it perks. There’s my mom, the food, the ocean, there really are no dangerous animals on the island, the food, the other islands, the food, people are so kind and friendly and filled with the Aloha spirit, the food, it’s paradise, and basically the food. Can you tell what I’m most excited about??? Lol.

Regardless, we are moving because we feel prompted to. We feel that’s where we are needed and that’s where we’re going.

I am excited for our new adventures and how fun it’ll be but I am also extremely sad that I am leaving my favoritest place on earth. So yes, I am admitting, Utah is my most favorite place on earth. But I will be back and I will hopefully be better, wiser, and thinner. LOL.

See you on the beach somewhere in Hawaii!

Xoxox

Lala G

Thank you 2016. This past year has been amazing. So many new and fun experiences. My eyes have been opened to new possibilities. My heart has learned to love immensely. My mind has been expanded to see the good in all things, (or to at least try). My mind, my heart, my soul, has been aligned. My goal for 2016 was completed in such a beautiful way. Not intentionally but totally intentionally. And I loved it.

2017, I’m here for you and I can’t wait to see the dreams, the goals, the life I get to live and ultimately behold. I’m so stoked!

In the words of Neil Gaiman, author of one of my favorite books and movie: Coraline-

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

2017—– Surprise me.

Actually, my goal is to surprise myself, by creating the life I’ve envisioned! Small baby steps, and eventually into leaps and bounds. 2017— I am so excited!!! 

My word for you 2017?? SURPRISE!!

What’s in a name? I think that’s a very good question. What is in a name? A whole ton of things! Your heritage, a memory, your title, your description, your essence, a lot of things go into a name. I remember growing up always hearing “don’t ruin the family name” and never really thought much of it. At least not until now.

Growing up I seriously had no idea who I was. I knew my parents. I knew where I came from. I knew my culture. I knew the town I lived in. But I didn’t know who Heilala was. I let a lot of other people define me. I did a lot of things I am still not proud of to this day. Most of it was because I was trying to “fit” the mold I was given or what other people thought of me. I went through a lot of trials that I completely hated and wished for death on so many occasions. I didn’t understand why I was given my lot. Not until recently.

And even with all this knowledge of why I went through what I went through, I still have no idea who Heilala is!

So…….

For the next month, I am going to dedicate all of my time and energies on ME.

I’m going to learn about HEILALA. And I want to invite you to join me!

I know November is the month of gratitude and December is the month of service and giving, and I will do all that, BUT how can you give of others if your own cup is not full?

I have no problem giving my time away. Ask my husband. He’s always complaining that I have no time for him (sorry love). I am always wanting to serve and do so much for other people, that I’ve lost the essence of who I am.

This does not mean that I am becoming a hermit and am no longer allowing anyone in my home. This just means that I am going to take the time to take care of myself, and learn about the different things I love, while doing my every day tasks and things.

Most people are probably thinking “aint that what you ‘posed to do?”

Well yes. But as a mom, a wife, a volunteer, an entrepreneur, I think I’ve lost a little of me along the way. SO I’m going back to square one and serving myself first.

I will post everyday on IG to share with you something new I learned about lil ‘ol me. If you want to join me use #lovinourname and #lovinHeilala. Use the hashtag with your name as well and share it with your friends!! I’ll be going til the end of December.

I guess this will be a huge, worldwide, get to know you game 🙂 So lmk if you’ll join me in the comments or on IG/FB!

xoxox

-Lala

One thing that’s always held me back is the thought that I am “two mils” or in American “too much”. I am overzealous, kine of eccentric, and completely over indulgent. I like big, sparkly, flashy, over the top things. I like being noticed. I like being told what I do is awesome. I like doing a big job well. 

But I also hate people calling me conceded or cocky. I don’t do it for you or for what others will say. I do it for the pure love that I have for doing things GREAT! And yet I have this voice that always says “freakin two mills you crimzon”. And it always makes me pull back an hundred fold. 

But this past week, I got to see the grand magnificence of Gods creations. He TOTALLY went all out! In everything He does it is grand and beautiful and magnificent. So who says, as His daughter, that I can’t to???? I can totally be “two mills” if I want because my God, my Father, my Creator, my Master, is exactly the same. When He made this world He didn’t think about “if it was too much”. He wanted it MORE than enough for us as His children. He wants us to enjoy every minute, every second, all the beauty He has created for US TO BEHOLD. And that’s it!

That beautiful sunset is just for me to watch and take in. The Grand scene of the Grand Canyon is just for me to appreciate and gasp at as I realize I cannot take it all in. The beautiful ravines in Zions National Park are for me explore and drool over. The towering waterfalls of Hawaii are just for me to experience and gaze upon. And do I ever think “oh man you totally outdid yourself today God”. NO! Never! We’ll maybe sometimes lol but it’s all because of my small mindset and temporal brain can hardly fathom the extent of the beauty around me. And not once has He ever thought “oh honey girl that’s way too much for you.” Never! (Maybe if I’m eating Krispy Kreme donuts and I’ve gone WAY past my limit). He wants me to do my best in ALL that I do. And if that means “two mills” for others, then so be it. 

I am totally Two Mills. And I am ok with that.

A couple weeks ago, I had the amazing privilege of attending the Younique Foundation Retreat.

The Younique Foundation is a non profit organization that has retreats for women who were sexually abused as a child. Their mission is to create a safe place for women to heal. Whether you are just beginning your journey, or you are a long ways on your journey, it doesn’t matter. They have activities that foster healing and dealing with the traumatic experience you may have felt as a child. Visit their website for more detailed information!

The way it works is you enter into your information and there is a random drawing of names for each week of the retreat. If your name is drawn, they contact you if you are available for a specific week and you get to choose whether or not you’d like to attend. If you choose to attend they assist you with the necessary information you’ll need to get there. If you choose not to attend that week, your name will go back in the pot and you could be chosen for another week. They cover the costs of everything besides traveling. It is located in Utah, so if you are out of state, you will need to book your own flights here and back. It is held in a cabin in the mountains, and a question I’ve been asked many times is, is it worth it?

YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES. It is TOTALLY worth coming to Utah. I understand flights are not cheap and that many women have to find babysitting and that it’s practically a week off of work, but YOU are totally worth it. YOUR healing, YOUR life, YOUR sanity, YOU ARE TOTALLY WORTH IT. The women that did come from out of state gave it a resounding yes as well. They all agreed that it was totally worth flying to Utah for.

I’m kind of jumping ahead of myself and all over the place, so I’m going to try to explain this through my perspective and from those who attended with me, and whom I know have attended.

Let me start from the very, VERY beginning.

I began working with the products company Younique about a year ago. I worked for their Customer Service department. I actually joined because I loved the idea of the Younique Foundation. As soon as I was told about Derek and Melanie’s desires to help women who have been sexually abused, I was all in. I do want to note that the two companies are completely different. Younique Products is not a part of the Younique Foundation or vice versa. Yes, they were started by the same people, and yes, they share the same name, and yes, the Products company has made donations to the Foundation, but they are two completely different entities. They are like sister companies I guess? They’re from the same family and their purpose is the similar, but they are two totally different companies and missions. They both want to uplift and empower women but they do in very different ways. When I found out they were beginning the retreats I was a little hesitant to apply. I was honestly afraid. I had already worked with counselors. I’ve been to group therapy. I’ve got issues because of these traumas. I even do energy work. I’ve done so much I really actually felt guilty applying. But I did. I was comforted by a tight group of friends and I knew that when the time came to it, I could opt out if I wanted to.

A few months later, I was chosen for this February retreat. It was still a ways out, but I was excited that I got picked! Yay me!!

As the time grew closer and closer, I grew more and more afraid. I was telling people I was going to a retreat and when they asked what type of retreat, I didn’t specify. I just said a girls retreat in a cabin. Something like that. Then I realized that I was afraid of judgement. I was afraid of people judging me! I realized that I was keeping the topic taboo by not saying anything. So I finally decided to just tell people straight. I would tell them in a matter-of-fact manner and they were totally cool with it. They actually thought that I was brave and courageous for going and you know what.. I totally felt like it.  So when the day came to go, I was so ready. Kind of.

I had an idea of what to expect. I knew that some of us would have shared rooms. I knew that we would be small group. I didn’t have to worry about food or transportation. I wouldn’t have service, so I didn’t even need to worry about anything else because I literally would have no way of communicating. (There is a phone up there for emergencies. They do have WiFi but… that was really ify. I mean, you’re in the mountains…) I went with an open heart and an open mind.

I was pretty amazed when I got there. I’ve been up that canyon many times, but to actually be in a private cabin up in that canyon was completely different! It was stunning! The staff was so kind and they really will get you anything that you need. (Or try their best, depending on the request. LOL.) And the women I got to know were amazing. Many of them had just begun their journey and had never told a single soul. Most of them didn’t even tell people where they were. They just said a “girls retreat” or a “work retreat” or something similar. I was so proud of them and their bravery. I was proud of their willingness to come and be pampered. (I think that’s hard for moms and women in general sometimes.) Some of them never told their spouses, or their spouses were the only ones that knew. And others, like me, had been through various counselors and programs and were very open about their trauma. And even though we were all in different parts of our journey, we were all there to do one thing… and that was to heal.

I really enjoyed the activities we participated in. I learned a lot about myself and my own personal journey. I actually thought I was “done”. But I realized that I will never truly be “done” because there isn’t a place I’m trying to get to. I’m just learning how to be me. I’m learning how to love me. I’m learning how to accept me and all that I was, all that I am, and all that I can be. There is no destination. And I’m totally ok with that. Each of the activities we did were optional as well. We didn’t have to join. We didn’t have to participate. We made that choice ourselves. And we all bonded in our own unique way.

If I could describe the retreat in one word, it would be haven. It is really safe place to just feel okay to be yourself and to be vulnerable. It really is a haven. It is a little oasis of love and healing and acceptance and just amazing support. I don’t want to go into the details of what I did because I don’t think that’s relevant. Yes, we did fun stuff. Yes, I had a great time. Yes, I would totally go again if I had the chance. But it was fun and great and awesome and everything because of the environment. Being tucked away in the mountains, not having to worry about everything else (even food), allowing myself to open up and to take a really good look at myself, and having a staff that was literally there to serve me, was what I needed, I guess what WE needed to heal. I saw a huge change in these women. Some of them still had to deal with difficult things at home and I just thought to myself holy crow I am surrounded by fierce warrior women. They did not let their trauma hold them back. Yes, it totally affects their lives, and they are still struggling, but they hold their heads up high and take on the world head first. They aren’t afraid to fight back. And their coming to the retreat wasn’t a sign of weakness that they “needed help”. Instead, it was an oasis for them to rejuvenate, renew, and see the world with new eyes.

I will touch on one activity. We did a photo shoot. I told myself that I was photogenic in January. I didn’t like taking pictures and I decided I was going to get rid of that limiting belief and create a new one. Well, unfortunately, I had a HUGE sty on my left eye and I didn’t get rid of it before my photo shoot. I was DEVASTATED. I was like great… now we’re going to have an ugly looking picture… But I did it anyways. And the women who were a part of this photo shoot were beyond phenomenal. The whole point was to see the beauty in each of us. They made me feel comfortable and confident in myself. I was so worried about this one little thing, and they totally squashed it in no time. And for the first time… the first time in my whole entire life, with a sty on my eye, I could see Heilala. I saw myself as I truly am and I was amazed. I was amazed at who I have become and also that these women could help us see. And just so you can see, here is a picture of the Polaroid she handed me:

And although I’ve got tons of make up on, a double chin, and I look whiter than I really am, that is a genuine smile. That look is a sincere face of joy. I had a few heart touching experience, experiences that I’m not sure how to explain, and even encounters with others on the other side, but this was by far the most joy-filled moment during this retreat. I was filled with joy because I felt like me. I felt beautiful. I felt #brave. And I am brave and beautiful. I am a survivor and I am totally going to own it.

Coming home wasn’t too hard. I missed my kids. I missed my man. I missed my bed. I missed my car. I missed my daily life. But I do admit that I missed the quiet serenity of the cabin. (And chef. I really, really, REALLY miss chef. Can you just come cook at my house???) I would love to live in the mountains and I think I will one day. And I want to be able to foster a haven in my home for my children. I know that if anything happened to any of them, I want to be the first one by their side to tell them that they will be alright. I totally believe in miracles and I know that God allowed me this opportunity to heal and to help others heal as well.

I also miss my girls. It is one thing to be a survivor, and another thing to know another survivor. But when you bond and create a sisterhood of survivors… nothing can create a bond quite like healing together can. I love and miss you all!

If you, or a woman you know, had been sexually abused as a child, I highly encourage you to apply. I know it’s scary to have to deal with this trauma. I know it hurts and that it could hurt having to deal with it, but if my word means anything to you, please take my word for it. You totally deserve it. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or send me an email.

You are totally loved.

You are completely wanted.

And you are definitely needed in this world today.

Always remember that.

And I love you.

xoxox,

-Lala

At the Limitless Seminar a week and a half ago, Gerald asked us a question. And it’s been on my mind ever since. I’ve really pondered this question and am still trying to formulate the answer. I figured the best way to do that would be to write about it 🙂 so here’s the question:

“What would you tell your 19 year old self about marriage?”

I took this to heart. I was married at 18 years old. I was 4 months pregnant. Joshua, my husband, did not want to marry me (he will tell you otherwise). I was basically lost. I was a “baby adult” having a baby child. I didn’t even know how to take care of myself! I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted! Heck, I didn’t even know where baby’s came from! (Don’t judge me. That has a long back story. You can email me if you’re that curious.)

And so as I thought about what I’d tell this insecure, lost, irresponsible, and naïve child… I recognized exactly what I would have told her.

This is my love letter to said child:

Dearest Heilala,

I love you. You are so BRAVE! Stupid choices, but you are brave. You face things head on! You are a fighter! And you keep going. Don’t let anyone or anything keep you from becoming your best self. You are so much closer than you think. And I am so proud of you.

You grew up quickly. You had a lot of trials and yet here you are… Facing them ALL. Yes, I know you’re afraid. Yes, I know you’re trying to do the right thing. And yes, I know you are just trying to make things right. You are doing a beautiful job. Just keep your head up.

There are a few things you should know before you marry this man. I want you to know that I know all of these things are true. And if you hold on to each truth and find out for yourself, you can weather any storm. 

Here is everything you need to know:

1. God lives. And He loves you. You are a priceless daughter of a King. The King of all Kings. And He wants you to succeed. Turn to Him.

2. Christ lives. And He loves you. And He will always be there for you. No one in this world can ever know what you’ve been through  and what you will face. But He will. And He knows the way through. Follow Him.

3. Learn about Heilala. You are your greatest asset and your best friend. Learn about yourself. What do you like? Why do you like it? Why is it important to you? What makes you tick? What motivates you? Learn about yourself before anyone else. Once you know who you are, and Whose you are, it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks you are because YOU know YOU. 

4. He is only a man. He is not your Prince Charming. He is not perfect. He is not superhuman. He will make mistakes. LOTS of them. Forgive him. He is doing his best. Love him unconditionally. Just like you love you. And remember, you’re human too. It will take time and that’s okay! 

5. When you say “yes”, you’re saying yes to EVERYTHING. For better or for worse. You are choosing into the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, everything. All the good choices and all the bad choices. You are committing to make things work REGARDLESS. You are choosing into it all. Accept that, and accept him. Accept all that may come your way. And with the first 4 points, you’ll do just fine.

In conclusion, just recognize that this will be more than just “loving him forever”. This is loving you, loving God, loving life, loving your trials, loving your good times, and loving it all together. You can’t make him love you, but you can make sure that you love him fully and unconditionally.

Thank you for being you. I am amazed at the woman you are and striving to become. See you in 8 years!

Xoxox,

Heilala 2016

I probably won’t put 2016 but it’s a nice touch. 

As I look back at the young woman I was, I am in awe. I seriously have no idea how I made it this far. Joshua and I have come a loooooooong way. And I’m pretty sure if we can make it, anyone can. 

But that’s the thing… There really isn’t a destination. It’s choosing into it every single day. There isn’t an anniversary where we’ll say “we did it!” Even in the life after this, we won’t say “well we made it!” We’ll still be growing and learning and loving and progressing. It’s a continual journey. And after 7.5 years… I’m glad I made this choice. Ask me 4 years ago and I may have said otherwise but I love my Joshua. I love our marriage. I love my life. It took a while to get here but I seriously can’t wait to see where we’re going. It’ll be fun regardless!

So all you singletons or newly weds who have asked me for advice, here you go 🙂 insert your name and print it out. Lol. 

I love you dearly. You are loved. You are wanted. You are needed in the world today. If you forgot here’s your reminder. 

Xoxox,

-Lala

A new year means a new theme! Woot woot!

I love new years. I love a new start. I love making resolutions. I love feeling like things are going to be different. And most often then naught, I’m caught up in the same situation over and over again. The same problems roll around and the same issues find me another year later. I tend to repeat history over and over again and think “how in the world did I end up here AGAIN?”

There are a lot of reasons why I end up in the same place. But it all comes down to one word.

Insanity.

Not like the workout by Shaun T, not that Insanity. I’m just insane. I keep doing the same things over and over again and I expect to get different results. Redundant isn’t it?

Well for 2016 I decided to begin differently. I am a different person. As I wrote on my Living Whole As Heilala blog, I am me again. 2015 was a year to Renew and resume to my former state. I feel like me again. And because I am me again, I can now create the world I want to live in.

The past few years has taught me so much about myself. After Joshua and I got married, I went through a sleep-like state of “going with the flow”. I wasn’t even reacting. That’s how you know things are bad. You just don’t care. And I didn’t. I just let things happen and didn’t expect much of life. Thanks to a few people and a few life changing experiences (one of them being the loss of my sweet angel Maria) I woke up. I began reacting, and now that I’ve recognized my reaction, I am now aligning myself to create, to manifest, to bless, and to be blessed. I am acting to make things happen instead of reacting to whatever happens.

Why did I choose “Align” as my word for 2016?

Well, I began learning about creating the life you want, and manifesting, and the law of attraction, and all that good stuff a few years back. I never actually tried to put things into practice until recently. Then I read about Self I-Dentity Ho’oponopono, which is a self-internalization of the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono. (Read Zero Limits by Joe Vitale to learn more.) I realized that it is more about aligning myself with my high purpose and my God and allowing myself to be who I need to be. I can manifest what I want, sure. I can create the life that I want, yes. I can become blessed and bless others, of course. But to receive the greatest fulfillment and to really achieve my greatest potential, I realized that I can’t be in charge. There has to be someone greater, someone all knowing, someone else who is  in charge. There just had to be a master planner. Because if it’s just me, then there is no way on earth for me to receive what I needed to receive or to become my highest self. I have to align myself with that greater power, for me that is my God, to be able to create, to manifest, to bless, and to be blessed in the highest way possible. It’s much bigger than myself. It’s much bigger than changing the world. It’s much bigger than anything I could comprehend. It’s about being a part of the grand plan. I intend to play my part the best way that I can.

What do I plan on doing differently?

The basics. That’s what Josh calls them.

 Alma 37:6 Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. (from LDS.org)

Or in the words of one of my favorite church leaders:

This means that each day I will do something small to achieve my goals. It isn’t about the huge ginormous tasks that make the difference, it’s the small, insignificant (or so we thing) things that matter. I love the proverb that says, “How does a man move a mountain? One stone at a time.” This is what I plan on doing different.

The reason why I never got to where I wanted to go, or why I sat in the same crap over and over again, was because I was doing the same little things over and over again. Sleeping in late, staying up late, playing games, putting things off til the last minute, rushing everywhere because I didn’t get things done on time, always going out to do things or sitting at home on my phone, instead of putting in a little time each day.

What does that look like exactly? Well for me it’s reading in my Book of Mormon each day. It’s meditating for just 5 minutes. It’s taking a green pill or drink (because I’m not about that green smoothie life). It’s taking 5 minutes to just talk one-on-one with one of my kids and letting them know how much I love and appreciate them. It’s listening to an audio book for like 20 min. My coach calls his system Core4. I could never get it down, so I changed mind to a Perfect10. If I could do just 10 little things each day, then my day is set. I just told you 5 of the 10 things I’ll be doing daily. If you think about it, listening to a good audio book (I am currently listening to “Eat That Frog! by Brian Tracy) for 20 min a day, 7 days a week, that is 140 min of learning. And I can listen while I’m driving, or doing the dishes. I am actively feeding my mind for 140 min a week. That’s 7,280 minutes a year. Do you know how many audio books I could listen to in that amount of time???? If an audio book is 8 hours long, and there are 60 min in an hour, that is 480 min. Divide 7,280 by 480 and that’s technically 15 books I could finish this year. Just 20 min a day. Catch my drift?

So here’s to the little things. And as I do the little things, I will align myself more and more each day with my purpose, my God, and my highest self.

How do you plan on changing 2016? Or do you have a word to describe this new year?

Let me know in the comments below!